What does confidence look like in kids? It might not be what you think.
Sure, the kids burning it up on the sports field or the school play have lots of confidence. But self-assurance can also be quieter – kids willing to try new things; speak up, stand up for others, make eye-contact, and contribute their own ideas. Confidence is also what helps kids to be bold enough to try, fail, and then try again.
Knowing you want your kids to be confident and helping them actually become so are two different things. As a practical matter, how do you support confidence building?
Experts say it’s not a one-and-done, but a long game. And there are four practical places you can start.
Ask questions: As adults, we’re practically hard-wired to give advice. But we need to be good at listening, too. When your child has a problem or challenge, ask your child what they think they should do, take a beat before responding, and actively listen to their answers. Such attention conveys to kids that their opinions and ideas are both valuable and valued.
Be reliable: Security builds boldness. To gain confidence, a child first needs to feel safe and loved. Parents and early educators are the backbone of all this! Treat your child with warmth and respect, while also setting clear limits and boundaries that are firm, consistent, and reliable.
Demonstrate empathy: The feelings behind your child’s behavior or words can be more important than the words themselves. Respect those feelings – even when you disagree.
Promote curiosity – and trial and error: Children give up easily when they think effort is fruitless (what’s called a “fixed mindset”). A growth mindset, on the other hand – the hallmark of confident kids – allows them to tinker, embrace challenges, and persist in the face of setbacks. That comes from children who feel able to try and fail because they know the adults in their lives will love and support them no matter what.
Ultimately, our goal is to raise children into healthy and thriving adults. To get there, children need to progressively develop a very healthy sense of self, the skills to plan ahead, to act in their own interests, and be willing to fail and persist.
To learn more about how to help your child build confidence, watch this Teach.Play.Love episode:
